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Wrapping my head around the concept of the universe is, to say the least, difficult for me, as I am sure it is for the majority of mankind. I completely agree with the logic in Douglas Adams’ theory of the puddle, and yet in doing so it seems to sort of strip away the fluffy coziness that comes with living in ignorance and bliss. At the same time, it liberates me from wondering the who, what, where, when, and why of things, and allows me to simply live for the sake of living, rather than wondering what sake I’m living for. It’s an incredibly interesting set of ideas he has collected and synthesized about evolution and religion, and I don’t agree with all of them, but they are fascinating to ponder for the afternoon. My brain can’t seem to shake off the idea that something as big and random as life has to be controlled by something greater than chance- but, then again, I’ve been raised to believe that as almost everyone else has. Still, I’d rather have faith and believe that the good things in my life are a result of being blessed by some omniscient being, and the bad things in life are simply trials to make me stronger.

My personal universe currently consists of a small list of menial tasks including cleaning, sorting, organizing, writing thank you notes, and continuing to attend interviews for the remainder of the week. Regardless of how small the gesture may be, the fact that my fiance (away on business) just sent me a small arrangement of irises, hydrangeas, and various other flowers (I don’t know the names of) simply because he misses me, makes my week. I’m going to marry him in less than a month, and I can’t fully express in words just how much of a God-thing it is that I met him and fell irrevocably in love with him. It’s scary to love someone that much. My first major reaction to the intensity of that love is to be fearful of something happening to him that I can’t control. My mother made me watch Love Story with her over the weekend. It was a very intense and depressing movie. My mom said that the way I feel is perfectly natural, and that there’s nothing to do but love and pray that someone else will protect him when I can’t. I’m sure new mothers feel the same way; so in love with their child that they’re afraid they’ll break it or hurt it unknowingly, feeling helpless to protect it from things they can’t control, striving to control everything in their power in order to know they’ve done their best. I don’t look forward to feeling that way about two people at once, yet I do look forward to loving two people that much at once.

He for God, and she for God in him.

I just received the first manicure and pedicure I’ve had in probably two years, and I have to say that my feet still look awfully man-ish despite the pink polish.