My childhood was littered with changes. I changed schools between kindergarten and first grade, first grade and second grade, second grade and third grade, third grade and fourth grade, and finally halfway through fifth grade. Then, I changed from the elementary school to the middle school and then on to the high school just like everybody else. My husband asked me this morning if it was difficult for me to change schools like that so often. I told him, “No not really. I think that’s the reason why I’m such a social butterfly and that I don’t have a hard time making friends or talking to strangers.” The changes in my childhood forced me to roll with the punches, keep moving forward, stick to the routine and the plan that my parents had set before me.
After elementary school my life was series of goals: graduate middle school, graduate high school, get into a good college, graduate college, get a real job, move out of my parents house, learn how to live comfortably on my own, find the man of my dreams, get engaged, get married, move into a house, buy a dog…and now what?
After a week of juggling taking care of the dog and working, I know that I’m not ready for a baby yet. It took forever to get things together just to take Feeny to the Oktoberfest in a nearby town, and then, he was so tired so quickly we didn’t get to stay long at all. I’m not ready for the responsibility of a child. Plus, after buying a new car and a puppy, I know we can’t afford it right now anyway. I’d really like to be in a house of our own, in a place where we know we’ll be living longer than just a year or two before we settle down to have a family.
I don’t know how my mom did it when I was little; three kids and she and my dad both worked. I know we were in daycare, and I know she taught Special Ed and not English so there’s 70% less homework to grade, but she had IEPs to complete, and probably just as much paperwork as I do! I don’t know where she found the time! I barely find the time now, and I’m constantly exhausted, and I have no children, and I only get 7 hours of sleep a night as it is! How did she do it? I mean, I’ve always known that she was supermom; I just didn’t or couldn’t appreciate it until now. I’m sure I’ll appreciate her even more after I have kids and tie my own cape on for size.
Sidenote: I never imagined how tiring it would be to commute 40 minutes each way to work. I literally almost fall asleep as I drive at least once a week. I roll my windows down to wake myself up. I never knew driving could be so tiring. It’s scary.
Anyways, I’m incredibly anxious about what comes next in life for me. I’ve always had a plan, and now, “I don’t have a plan! I don’t even have a pluh!” (Friends). It’s driving me crazy. My husband said I’m making him anxious and nervous by asking things like, “When do you think we’ll have a baby?” or “When do you think we’ll buy or build a house?” because he says my anticipation for the future makes him think that I’m unhappy with what I have now. I’m not! I’ve never been so happy in my entire life as I am right now! Why can’t I just relax and enjoy life as it is now? Why do I have to have a plan? Is it because I’ve always had a plan up until now? Is it because plans have always made me feel secure in my constantly changing life? I know my friends hate it when I get in my planning mode and have always been annoyed by it, but it makes me feel better to know what’s going to happen!
I don’t really know why I feel like I need a plan, but I’ve decided to stop making long term plans (at least for now) and rely on my husband to make me feel secure and stable. I reminded him that, unlike Mr. Rochester, he knew when he married me that I’m crazy. I told him to tell me to chill out and roll with it next time I ask him about the future. I reminded him that my rational self only appears when I’m calm, cool, and collected, never when I actually need to be rational. It’s amazing that he still loves me as much as he does; I think I’d have left me by now. ♥